Without a Compass Page 7

  Riley nodded then sighed to himself. There were several feet between all of his family’s pitch points, giving them all a modicum of privacy, which meant he could admire Kai from afar, like he’d always done.

  Who was he kidding? It was nice that he’d had a chance to have Kai all to himself for a while, but he was just as unattainable as he’d ever been. Charlotte Grinter stood a much better chance than he ever would. There was a depressing thought.

  He grunted as he followed his mum’s lead with the tent’s tattered guy ropes and age-spotted poles. She was talking to him about someone from work and Riley nodded as he listened. He kept half an eye on Kai though, as unobtrusively as possible. He just liked watching him mess around as he worked.

  It had been easy to let his crush simmer down in the years they’d spent apart. But Riley was no longer a clueless virgin. He might not have ever had a boyfriend, but he’d had a decent amount of sex, and that gave him plenty to daydream about what he’d love to do with Kai.

  That was all it would ever be though; daydreams. He wasn’t a woman, so Kai would never be interested in him sexually, or even romantically. The best Riley could hope for was maybe a few more interludes like they’d had putting up his tent together.

  Kai caught him gazing over, much to Riley’s embarrassment. But Kai smiled and waved, then carried on working in tandem with Riley’s dad. They had probably put a hundred tents up together, almost as many as his dad and Brendon. Not for the first time, Riley wished he was just a bit more like the rest of them.

  He couldn’t force his nature though. Instead, he concentrated on laying the ground sheet flat, then fished some sun cream out from his own belongings so he wouldn’t burn on the first day of his holiday like a complete amateur.

  When he looked back round to his mum, she was regarding him with a raised eyebrow. “What?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “Nothing.” She shook out a pillow case and began discussing their loose schedule for the week.

  Riley let it drop, but he tried not to fret over why she’d had her eye on him. Was he acting too ostentatious? He hadn’t thought so. But then, just the way he moved his hands and hips apparently clued people into his sexual orientation half the time. He ground his teeth. He didn’t want to make things difficult for his family. Maybe he should try harder to keep his mannerisms in check.

  “So did you and Kai get a chance to catch up before we arrived?”

  Riley rubbed his hands together, smearing away the last of the lotion he’d smoothed on his exposed skin. “Some,” he said with a shrug. Riley knew he wasn’t chatty by nature; Kai had probably had a better time with the twins.

  It was fine, they’d already shared some nice moments together. It had been especially kind of Kai to compliment his decorations. If he wanted to hook up with Charlotte, then that’s just the way it would be. It wasn’t any of his business who Kai dated or flirted with.

  As much as he’d like it to be.

  11

  Kai

  Working on a tent with Phil Anderson felt like second nature to Kai. Despite already having three sons, Phil always made him feel welcome whenever he was around. Not ever having a dad around himself, he’d relished that fact.

  “That’s it, good lad,” he said proudly as they got the bigger tent to stand up. From someone else, it might have seemed patronising, but from Brendon’s dad, it warmed Kai’s heart.

  “It’s great Riley made it, isn’t it?” he chatted idly as they pulled at the ropes and secured them with the old, tarnished pegs. “It’s kind of brave I think. You know, seeing as he doesn’t really like this sort of thing.”

  Phil looked over at his son proudly. “It means a lot to me,” he admitted.

  Kai rubbed perspiration away from his neck and forehead. “I thought I’d try and show him some stuff,” he admitted. “Make him feel more comfortable with the way things work on a good campsite.” He wasn’t sure why he felt like he needed permission to hang out with Riley, but he did.

  Phil nodded and raised his eyebrows, drinking from a metal water canteen. “That sounds like a grand idea.” Kai grinned.

  The sound of a rumbling engine caught his ear. He automatically looked towards the dirt track to see a navy blue car making its way up the gravelled path. Two people were waving like nutters from the front seats. Snatches of radio commentary and wisps of a crowds’ bellowing and chanting drifted across the air, making Kai smile. It was a Saturday after all, there was bound to be some form of football on.

  “Brendon!” Jake bellowed. He abandoned the bag he had been unpacking and tore over to his and Riley’s older brother. Bia the dog did her best to chase after him. Kai let out a whoop and jogged after them.

  Bev joined arms with Riley, and Phil met them to head towards the car at a more sedate pace.

  By the time Brendon and Slady both extracted themselves awkwardly from her Ford Mondeo, shaking out achy limbs, the Andersons and Kai had clumped together to greet them. “You made it!” Riley’s mum cried, getting her hugs in after Jake.

  Some people just looked like couples, Kai had often thought. Like that bit at the start of 101 Dalmatians where the owners look like their pets. Brendon and Slady both had long legs and flyaway hair past their shoulders that they tried to tame with extra-thick hair ties. They smiled a lot and were clumsy in a way that often just left them bumping affectionately into each other all the time. True, Brendon had bulked up a lot in his later teenage years when he and Kai had both discovered the joys of weight lifting. But deep down, he was still a total dork and so was Slady. They had this thing about Doctor Who and roller coasters and making quiches, or whatever kind of pastry it was that was constantly all over Slady’s Instagram.

  Kai watched fondly as Riley moved in after Phil for his hugs. “Hey bro,” he said, giving him a tight squeeze. “Good to see you.”

  Bia was dancing around their feet, wagging her tail so hard it was smacking into everyone’s shins. She barked for attention until Slady dropped to the ground.

  “Alright, hello missus,” she cooed, ruffling the white fur either side of her face.

  Then finally, Brendon was released and Kai jumped in front of him.

  He wasn’t ashamed of the roars that leapt from both their throats and he seized his best friend for a bone crushing hug.

  “Mate, I’m so happy you could make it,” Brendon cried into the side of his neck while he slapped his back several times. Kai mimicked him, rocking them back and forth. He always felt like a piece of him slotted back into place when he was with Brendon.

  “Wow,” he heard Slady say. “That’s a lot of man love. You’d think they hadn’t seen each other in weeks.”

  Kai peeked over Brendon’s shoulder to grin at her as Riley gave her a much more civilised hug. “You’re just jealous,” he hissed in a loud whisper.

  Riley looked at him, then leant over to Slady’s ear. “Don’t worry,” he said, raising an eyebrow and still looking at Kai. “He told me he loves you more.”

  Kai let out a mock shriek and Bia started barking again. “You liar!” he cried, but he couldn’t keep a straight face as he slapped Brendon on the arm. “You told me I was your favourite!”

  “Oh baby, I didn’t mean it!” Brendon replied, aghast and dropping to his knees. He threw his arms around Kai’s thighs. Everyone laughed.

  He loved mucking around with Brendon; they were always on each other’s wave length. Plus, he thought it was kind of cool they could fool around like that in front of Riley and show them how normal his being gay was.

  He grinned at Riley as they let go of one another, but his expression was unreadable. He was just watching them, hugging himself. Kai clapped his shoulder and winked.

  Riley perked up and smiled back. He was probably just tired.

  Once hellos had been evenly distributed they all pitched in to help unload the car. Jake reverently helped Slady remove her guitar case from the back seat. He was gracious enough to let her carry it herself when she explained
how precious it was to her. “I won’t even let Brendon’s meat hooks anywhere near it!”

  Brendon chuckled at that. “It’s true, buddy,” he told his little brother. “But why don’t you think of a song Slady can maybe play later.”

  Jake considered this task, then nodded. “I’ll think of a good one, I promise.”

  Slady nodded back at him. “I bet you will,” she assured him.

  Kai made a mental note to find out some of the songs she could actually play, then he could suggest them in a bit to Jake as possibilities. Knowing him, he’d want Beastie Boys or Blink-182, which she more than likely wouldn’t have in her repertoire.

  Brendon had brought not one, but three footballs. Kai was happy to pass one of them back and forth with Jake and Riley while they moved between the tents. They were helping to organise food supplies and unroll bedding. Riley’s aim wasn’t bad, and as long as Jake was reminded to be gentle, they managed between the three of them not to break anything before the holiday had even started.

  Slady worked for an education program that specifically made revision tools for GCSE exams. So it wasn’t long before she’d drawn Jake into a chat about a couple of his favourite subjects. He’d never been great at wrapping his head around numbers according to Brendan, leaning more towards more human subjects. Kai could understand that; he liked hands-on learning himself. Slady soon had Jake nattering away about the paper he’d done for English Literature.

  The age difference between Jake and Brendon was almost a decade, so there had always been a paternal edge to their relationship. It was heart-warming now to see him and Slady engaging with Jake almost like another set of parents, their pride in him obvious for anyone to see.

  The thought struck him that they’d probably get engaged soon. He stopped shaking the duvet he was wrestling into its cover and considered that for a moment. His first thought was that he’d be best man, and get to plan the stag party, so that would be awesome. But then he was immediately reminded that he’d been single for a while now. He’d never dated anyone he’d honestly thought about spending the rest of his life with. He was only twenty-five, so that really shouldn’t have been as melancholy a thought as it was. But, what if there was something incompatible about him?

  He’d just never felt that desperate ache that people seemed to associate with being head-over-heels in love. He’d loved his girlfriends a lot, he was certain of that. They had been fun and gorgeous and the best ones really confident in bed. He enjoyed all of that immensely. But he didn’t think he could say he’d been in love with any of them. That’s why, in the end, the relationships had all finished one way or another.

  He probably just hadn’t met the right girl yet. Most people didn’t get married until their late twenties or early thirties these days. He was hardly over the hill. Once he met The One, it would all fall into place he was sure.

  “Hey,” said Riley, appearing at his elbow. He had another two beers in his hands, the tops already popped. “I think you’re due another paycheque, yeah?”

  Kai laughed, dismissing his sombre train of thought. “Ah, my hero,” he joked. He accepted one of the bottles then wrapped his arm around Riley’s shoulders, ruffling up his thick hair. It was damp, but it was so soft compared to Kai’s own thick main.

  Riley ducked his head and grinned. He was doing just fine with this whole camping thing. If Kai could maybe orchestrate a bit of distance between him and the twins, he might actually relax enough to have fun.

  He still wasn’t sure what the deal was between the three of them. Then he remembered that the twins come over to specifically talk to Riley earlier. Shit, maybe he shouldn’t have just wandered off like that and left them alone.

  “Hey, um,” he said, letting Riley go. “What did Charlotte and Daryl have to say earlier? Were they any more polite?”

  Riley chuckled and took a swig of his beer. “You noticed that too huh?”

  Kai shrugged awkwardly. “They seemed a bit…blunt with you I guess?”

  Riley rubbed his nose. He was definitely getting faint freckles in the sunshine. “Stupid teenage stuff. There was a time where I thought we got on quite well, but, it turns out we didn’t. They were never my friends.” He nudged Kai’s elbow with his own. “We’re all grownups now though, right? So this week will probably be good for forgetting about all that.”

  There was something in his tone that didn’t quite click, but Kai decided not to press it. It was probably a good idea not to leave the three of them alone again though.

  Riley might be getting the hang of pitching tents and embracing nature. But if there was a history there, he didn’t need it raising its head while he was trying to enjoy his holiday.

  12

  Riley

  Riley was glad he’d brought Kai another beer. He felt uncharitable for his reaction before with Brendon and hoped it hadn’t shown on his face. Even if it hadn’t, he still wanted to give him the beer as a sort of apology. He felt a bit ashamed.

  Of course Kai could mess around with his best friend and pretend they were together; there was no real harm in implying there was something romantic between them after all. He and Brendon had known each other since they were eleven. It was just a silly flash of jealousy on Riley’s part and he stamped it down.

  It wasn’t even about Kai specifically – although Riley would be lying if he said he didn’t fancy receiving his own bear hug like that. It was just…it was easy for straight people to forget sometimes that they could joke like that and have everyone think it was funny. If Riley were to attempt something like that in real life…

  No, he wasn’t going to get on his soap box. It was neither the time nor the place. Later he was sure he’d muse about fooling around with a boyfriend in public and having it be acceptable, but until then he could just leave it alone.

  Kai went off to assist Jake with something and Riley felt he might do with a moment’s peace and quiet. Brendon and Slady were being all coupley and even his parents were being a bit cuddly. With Kai dangling in front of his nose, he didn’t fancy being reminded of his single-status.

  He put his beer down then fished up several of the empty water bottles they’d already gone through and began ambling over to the labelled drinking tap by the shower block. Bia fell into step with him by his sandals and he smiled down at her. “Hey, Baby Bee,” he murmured. She lolled her tongue at him in response.

  Riley couldn’t remember ever not knowing he was gay. By the time he was a toddler, Will & Grace was on the TV and George Michael had leapt from inside the closet in a dramatic shower of glitter and ‘Fuck Yous’. He was aware that boys could like boys the same way Mummy liked Daddy, and he knew without a doubt that that was the way he was.

  That didn’t translate into an easy life for him by any means, but having the knowledge helped.

  It meant he ‘knew’ other things though – like that gay men were weak and effeminate. He fell into that category quite naturally, but then he’d come to know that there were other kinds of gay, better kinds. He now knew if you could pass as straight, that made you the best kind of gay.

  He had also known that marriage and children weren’t really an option. Not in the same way it was for straight couples. However, in the space of his lifetime of only twenty-one years he’d gone from knowing that, to suddenly finding it right there ready for the taking. All through school Riley had heard people talk about growing up and getting married and he’d just had to resign himself to thinking that wasn’t for him.

  But now, who knew? Maybe one day he and a husband could look into adopting, or surrogacy. That could be pretty awesome.

  It did make him wonder sometimes what he might know tomorrow.

  He shook his head and approached the water tap. It looked hygienic enough he supposed, but he considered for a moment whether he should go back and get an antibacterial wipe for the nozzle. Then he decided that was stupid; he was going to have to get with this whole nature thing at some point. He stuck the first bottle under the ta
p, twisting it so cool, clean water burst out.

  Being around his family often made him mushier. It was easier to be a cynical millennial in the London rat race, surrounded by other poor, jaded, live-life-for-the-now twenty-somethings. Out here amidst all these family units though, it was easier to imagine what might be.

  Anyone who looked at his brother and Slady could tell they were probably not far off an engagement. Riley was happy for them, naturally. And yeah, one day that could happen to him. It was just a bit hard not to feel lonely in the here and now.

  What would it be like to have a boyfriend, not just a fuck buddy? He’d barely even slept with the same guy twice before. What would it be like to have someone to curl up and watch Netflix with, or go to concerts or Sunday lunches down the pub with?

  “Hey.”

  Riley almost jumped out of his skin, splashing water all over his hands. For the second time that day, he yelped and whipped his head around to see that Kai had snuck up on him.

  He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry,” he said. He didn’t look all that sorry, however, from the laugh playing on his lips. Christ they were plump. Straight boys shouldn’t be allowed such pretty mouths.

  Riley shook himself and realised Kai had swapped his beer for a silver water bowl, which he was holding out. “Oh,” he said. Suddenly, he felt awfully neglectful.

  “I thought she could probably use a drink too,” Kai said, looking down at an eager Bia.

  “Of course,” Riley said readily agreed. He would never normally forget to look after her; she was his girl after all. Presented as a puppy on his tenth birthday, by his side almost every day since until he’d moved out. “Thank you, I should have thought of that.”

  Kai shrugged. Once Riley had dried his hands and taken the bowl from him to fill, Kai stooped to pick up one of the empty bottles Riley had brought over. “As long as someone remembers, right? She’s not going to hold a grudge.” Bia wagged her tail in agreement.

  As Riley placed the now-full bowl carefully on the ground, Kai began to fill up the next litre’s worth of water. The grate below the tap caught most of the overflow, but Riley’s legs below his shorts still got splashed with the odd stray droplet or two, which was pleasantly refreshing. Bia lapped at her bowl and Riley felt guilty again for not thinking of her sooner.